Quit a Play, God Thoughts, King Kong Lacks Testes
So.
I was in this play. I know. Like last week. And I was happy to be in a play. A two person play. A new play. To be performed in an exciting and historically relevant space in a cool part of town. I liked my other actor- she liked me- everything appeared to work out.
I am, apparently, undirectable. I ask questions. I expect answers. I require normal human courtesy. I would like to have a copy of an entire script within a week of beginning rehearsals. I would like to be told about any scripted "humping" (his word) that takes place in the play with some degree of forewarning. I would like to be able to make my way to the men's room after an hour and forty five minutes of rehearsal as per union regulations. Two days ago, I brought these concerns to the director's attention via my cell phone and he suggested I walk away from the production. I responded, good. Thank you. Happy holidays. Break a leg.
It was actually the second time I'd tried to walk away from the production- the first time being after my first callback. I knew he was interested and I also knew I had no time for the show. So, all things considered I decided to walk away. He wrote an email which I wish I still had for purposes of reproducing here: he told me about his wealth of experience with young actors and their professional missteps, how he works at YALE, how his friends Sigourney Weaver and Paul Giamatti would never do something so foolish as to walk away from casting that's of Halley's Comet rarity. And I bought it. I believed it. And I signed on.
And now I'm gone. My friendster Dan called me this afternoon. The director is recasting through actorsaccess.com- Dan called me at work to say, "Yeah- I just auditioned for this play- and the director wouldn't let me see the script..."
I know, brother. I know.
I read recently that 94% of people believe in God. This was like a Gallup poll or something. I'd like to ask follow up questions. You know? Because I believe in God. I do. But my belief in God these days relegates him to somewhere between a new age force and a malicious trickster and Jesus. I mean, my spiritual awareness is in a bit of a state at a moment.
So if you believe in God- I'd like to know:
a) The God from the Bible (old and new testaments) b) The God from another major religious text c) a sort of non-denominational force.
Does God
a) Control your doings b) take a vested interest in the outcomes of your day to day life c) Expect some sort of reciprocity for granting you existence.
You are God. Finish this sentence:
"I HAVE CAUGHT YOU MASTURBATING..."
a)...this vexes me more than children starving in Africa b) your sex organs are my property only to be LEASED to your wedded spouse c) Rock Out with your Cock Out, Pervy Human!
There are literally thousands of questions to be asked, Kinsey style, about people's belief in God because saying you believe in God means absolutely nothing to me. The devil's in the details.
Saw King Kong. I know that I stated that I had an impenetrable sword of steely man meat to see this movie. And I did. And now I've seen it. And while I don't exactly want my money back I want to point some things out.
Adrien Brody is gross looking. He's not a good actor either. I have a particular pinch about this because I spent a good chunk of the previous week typing up dictation of his press conferences for this movie. He's a pretentious man with no limit to his self opinion. Which would be fine, if he were anything like a movie star. But he's not. He's terrible. And many of the worst parts of this movie are spent trying to justify having an oscar winning independant film actor playing a B movie leading man. At one point he leans in to kiss Naomi Watts and his rather sizeable schnozz dimples in the size of her cheek. I almost wanted to make a honking noise.
The movie is long. Longer than it is good. If you started the movie "The Lion King" at the same time as King Kong, King would be wrapping up just as the character Kong was introduced. And there are some amazing moments! I mean, there is a character named "Jimmy" who is a youngster on the boat. This character makes Luke Skywalker seem menschy. And what's worse, almost all of the terrible lines end with the word, "Jimmy!" As in, "There's more to honor than words, Jimmy!" And, "Go home- you're too young to shoot a gun, Jimmy!" And all these lines are said by the inexplicably avuncular black drill sergeant louis gosset jr type who works on the boat as well. It's amazing. And because I knew the movie was three hours long I was wondering why we had to swing past this stupid diversion in the first place. It's like if you were driving to Chicago from St. Louis and decided to swing by Louisville, KY. There's just no goddamned reason. None. But Jimmy was included. And I know, because I typed the transcript that Jackson left forty minutes out. He thinks the movie OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN LONGER. They should have driven to Nashville on the way to Chicago.
It will make you head back to the Lord of the Rings with a more critical eye. He do make some long movies, don't he.
Worse yet, Kong has no balls. No genitalia. None. I mean I don't need to see a gorilla boner, but it got distracting with Naomi perched under his monkey crouch not to see anything- like an escher painting or something. Also, she sits in his palm after he kills dinosaurs, with no hint of reaction to what must have been a truly exciting smell.
So the movie is not a snore. It's a little over three dollars an hour in NYC which is actually pretty much a steal. So, while I can't recommend it, I can't tell you to stay away either. But bring some paper work with you. For the "Jimmy" parts.
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