Twunch

I want a Cat!

Dear Humane Society:

My name is Ken and I would like to have a cat.

I am intrigued by the fanciful nature of cats, delighted by their jumping and meowing, intrigued by their ability to defecate in a designated area.  The gentle purring against my neck while I sleep- comforted and companionated.  I am in love with the idea of having a cat!

Alas, it is the nature of love to be indefinite- love changes and wanes even as the moon changes and wanes. 

It is my understanding that once I purchase this cat, it is mine until it self terminates and this may not be (depending on the age of the beast) for many years.

I find this off putting.

But I still want a cat.

Allow me to haggle. 

What I am suggesting is that I be allowed to lease a cat at six month intervals.  I would pay the full purchase price of the cat and if after six months I decided the animal was not for me I might be able to return the cat and receive half of the price back.  For my part, if I return the cat early I would understand that I would be penalized the entire price of the beast.  I also understand that if I wished to renew the lease on my animal I would each time only a percentage of the original price owing to the depreciation of the creature.

Each year, millions of cats are euthanized at your ‘humane’ shelters.  I think this is almost entirely due to your organizations inability to market these organisms.  You try to sell cats as ‘companions’ but really what they are right now is self-terminating dependants with zero tax deductability.  Even my cell phone plan offers termination after two years.

The American consumer requires flexibility. 

So why not lease me a cat.  The cat I take will almost certainly be executed if you do not give it to me.  Why not let it have a six month reprieve- allow it to audition for its life.  Give it a fighting chance.  The worst thing that happens is this cat gets to live in my apartment for a while prior to your depriving the beast of its life.  I get the pleasure of a frolicsome cat, the cat gets the joy of six more months of life, your organization receives my dollars.  All benefit.

So what do you say?

Lease me a cat.  Or I’ll just buy it anyway and let it loose in the woods after six months.

Yours,
Ken Ferrigni

Politics

I just twice blogged my ass off.

But you'll never get to read it. 

I was angry but now I'm sane.

I have learned to hit the backspace key to avoid offending people who don't realize they are being douchebags.

I think my heart may have just grown two sizes.

Good morning.