Twunch

Lunchtime Conversation By Myself...

He looked at his soup.
His stomach grumbled.
His tongue grumled back.
He thought,  "No more favors for millionaires."
And also, "No more shit sandwiches."
The stomach was insistent, not to be bargained with.  Still stretched out, swollen from last night's debacle with the lousy 22 dollar pizza.  The soup looked like a job too easy to be bothered with.
But the gut wants what it wants.  The gut is not a body part to be bargained with.  The blade of the soup probed the reflective skim that skimmed the top of the paper soup bowl.
Slimy, tangs the tongue- crinkle their dry lids atop his dry eyes.  The lips darken at the corners.
The brain (peacemaker that he is) pipes in:
"Might be okay.  Remember the mussels from a couple nights ago?  They smelled like catshit and they were okay."
The stomach grumbles in agreement.  The stomach is capable of grumbling from several places at the same time and thereby sounding like a non-descript crowd murmuring assent. 
The tongue hears nothing.  The cat shit comment from the brain triggered a sense memory of stinky litterbox mussels in spicy catshit sauce and the tongue in response has chosen paralytic detachment.  The tongue has packed its bags for the rest of the day. 
The stomach says words like "watermelon" and "rutabaga" over and over again.  It will still get the food it needs, but without the tongue's enthusiastic approbation the hand will only lazily move the spoon to the mouth and leisurely dump the contents there.  The opportunity for the urgent gorging to which the stomach feels entitled, to which the stomach has become accustomed seems all but gone.  The stomach is now pissed off.
The brain (arbiter in cases like these) steps in.  He announces that he will graciously cover for the tongue, operate the  hand, and placate the stomach.  He can do all of these things!  He's a hero!  See how easy it can be to get along?
The brain waits for appreciative comments that will never come.
The brain sighs and swings the right hand into action.
The spoon breaks the skin of the lukewarm tomato soup.  The soup passes the lips slides across the tongue down the gullet to the skeptical and unsatisfied stomach.
"See! See?" says the brain. "It's- whadyacallit- it's- you know- salty!"
The tongue says nothing.  Only lies in the mouth looking off at the opening and closing teeth and lips and thinking of fresh baked blueberry muffins.

Islamic Theodicy

Theodicy is an odd word.  It seems like a combination of theology and idiocy.  However it means the search to rectify the issue of God's omnipotence with the fact that bad things happen on earth.  An example, albeit skewed, of theodicy would be Jerry Falwell's declaration after 9/11 that God had lifted his "veil of protection" from America owing to our godless, homosexual ways. 
Christianity is full of theodicians and hacks and scribes eager to parse the happenings on earth as the activities of a just and active God.
So, the other day I was at work and things were particularly slow and I realized I had no real sense for the theodicy of the Islamic world.  I mean if Allahu Ahkbar, why do bad things keep happening to good people? 
So I did a google search to pull up some Iraqi email addresses (about 125) and sent them the following email.

Dear new Islamic Friend,
    My name is Bob.  I am an American working at a hotel and I would like to understand more about the ways of Islam.  Specifically, I wonder if you could tell me your explanation of why a just Allah (may all praise his name) allows people to perish in catastrophes. 
Please choose only one of the following events and explain the justification for Allah's (may his wonders never cease) behavior. 

• the 9/11 attacks
• Indonesian Tsunami
• Fires in Malibu
• The Iraq War
• Global Warming
• Hurricane Katrina

Thank you for your time.  If at all possible please include a photo with your response.
                                                                   Wa Salaam Alaikum,
                                                                                        Bob Saget.

P.S.  I'm dead serious.
P.P.S. When I say dead serious, I'm referring to including a picture and to only mentioning one of the events in question.

So, the thing that amazed me more than anything was the NUMBER of responses
I got to this sort of funny and random email.  Within twenty four hours, I had thirty responses.  Within 72 hours I had a hundred responses, many from countries other than Iraq.  It turns out people in  the Middle East were actually using my email as a sounding board for their feelings and emotions.  To be honest, I felt like a creep- because I was just sort of trying to entertain myself and I had all of these people reach out to me.  Incidentally, these translations can get a bit weird because I don't speak Arabic and I had to use the google universal translator so if something didn't make sense to me in a quote I placed a [sic] (latin for "thus") next to it.

911 was the one I got the most response about. Khalid Najoyan of Indonesia wrote what a bunch of people said:
"Allah (may his enemies cower) behaved justly on 9/11 because while many died a great number of muslims were awoken to the greatness of Allah (blessings be upon his followers) and Durango [sic] of the Koran."

In the months following 9/11 there were massive earth quakes both in Iran and Pakistan, two remarkably Muslim countries.  Though not a specified topic Abdul-Alim Maalaki of Fallujah opined about it.                                                                     
"The actions of Allah in the great earthquakes
in Iran and Pakistan were justly ordained events because there were too many 'good time Charlies' jumping on the Islamist bandwagon simply because of recent successes.  While Allah is just and all powerful, He is extremely sensitive about fairweather followers."

I was perhaps most amazed  by the lone email I received from America.  A man who recently moved there who recently changed is name to Rahkman Rock'n'roll Ramallah
had this to say about the fires in Malibu.                               

"The fires in Malibu were simply a response to Malibu's rejection of Allah's messenger Mel Gibson!!
Be my Myspace friend!!"

If I have a little time, I'll post a few more of these responses- but honest to God it was an eye opener about the power of the internet for me.  However, I was not willing to extend the privelege of Myspace friendship to Mr. Ramallah.

Incidentally, I recently asked if you knew the difference between Sunnis and Shias and since none of you responded during the course of the week, I'm going to explain it to you:

 

There it is.  Clear as an unmuddied lake.
Also Sunnis have beards.

Noah

Noah.  A story told in pictures.                                       
Soon enough chunks of ice will break off from glaciers to bury this world. 
Millions will die.  Weeks later, when the cable clicks back on the time will go from being referred to as tragic, to horrible, to just freaky. 
We are made to recover.  Human psyches are remarkably pliable that way.  I don't know whether or not I'm rooting for the world to end in my lifetime.  Its sort of like having been there for a big event.  The ultimate response to your middle age friends who saw the Beatles in concert.  "Oh yeah?  I watched someone fry an egg on a sidewalk in Brooklyn in January!"

So, let's look at it differently.  We now have limited time.  We always did.  But now we have limited time on a global scale.  There's a wonderful two in the morning cable movie called "Last Night" with Sandra Oh about the world ending in Toronto.  It frequently cites the heroic work of the Utility companies who manage to keep the gas on right til the end. 
Noah.
Can I quote you a little scripture?

Noah was the first       tiller of the soil. He planted a vineyard; and he drank of the       wine, and became drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent. And Ham,       the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told       his two brothers outside.Then Shem and Japheth took a garment,       laid it upon both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered       the nakedness of their father; their faces were turned away,       and they did not see their father's nakedness. When Noah awoke       from his wine and knew what his youngest son had done to him,       he said, "Cursed be Canaan; a slave of slaves shall he be       to his brothers." He also said, "Blessed by the LORD       my God be Shem; and let Canaan be his slave. God enlarge Japheth,       and let him dwell in the tents of Shem; and let Canaan be his       slave." After the flood Noah lived three hundred and fifty       years. All the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years;       and he died.

Incidentally, this passage (genesis 9:19-28) represents the Biblical Justification for Slavery.  So just remember, if you or someone you know lost forty five percent of their ancestors in the middle passages or any of the unpleasantness since, it all stems from Ham's observation of Noah's Morning Wood, brought on by the first farming attempted on earth.

Have you taken time to learn the difference between Sunni and Shia yet?  And why not?  Racist?