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Sickness and Napkins

Man_in_boxif marcel marceau actually lived inside a box I don't think his act would be considered nearly as funny.  People who knew him would tell him, "Marcel!  Desist!  You're only forcing me to think about the one circumstance in my life that is in fact utterly destroying my soul!"  And you know what he would do?  He would shrug.  Or possibly give people the finger.  Or spit.  Mimes have few avenues with which to defend the validity of the their art. 

I'm sick today and therefore I thought I would share a couple thoughts with you.  Whoever you are. 

Gibsons My girlfriend's family descended on my blog recently in a spate of juvenile copraphilia, filling my comments section with the vilest one word posts imaginable.  There were no explanations.  Just foulness, spurted across the page.  Gentle reader, if you were offended, I can only say that I was too.


I feel stupid asking this. But do you remember V?V

It was a made for Television movie about Aliens taking over our planet and harvesting our bodies for food and our water for drink.  It came out in 1983 and it dominated playground culture at my grade school even more than ET or The Dark Crystal.  I was seven or eight at the time (I think it came out in the fall of 1983), and I'd only been at St. Roch Catholic School for a year or so and the games we played a recess really made me aware of the pecking order involved at our school.  The choleric hero of the show, Michael Donovan, was invariably played by Ryan P. who was in fact a latter day incarnation of the fictional character, Jack, from Lord of the Flies.  The other Englund characters were doled out- and if someone in the class was sick I had an outside chance of getting to be the black guy.  Otherwise I was stuck playing the Robert Englund character.  Who was in fact not even a human being.  He was turncoat, a fifth columnist, who liked to guzzle hedgehogs in peace.  And this was a year before the first Nightmare on Elm Street so I couldn't even have known that I was being force to identify with a child murdering knife fingered former janitor.

Accoring to Wikipedia (cited here without permission)

The story remains a Nazi allegory, right down to the Swastika-like emblem used by the Visitors. Later, throughout the TV series, the Resistance Network's TV news bulletins report stories of erstwhile enemies uniting in common cause against the alien occupiers, such as black and white South Africans (the series was produced when South Africa was still under apartheid). In addition, direct figure analogies are used, such as the senior Visitor scientist, Diana, who is a direct analogue of Dr. Josef Mengele.

However I chiefly remember it for the baby with the snake tongue.  And lizard masks that lived under human masks.  And also a lot of really teased hair among the Alien vixens.  And I put it to you- if you remember it- was this the greatest mini-series of your childhood?  And did it tip the balance of power on the asphalt at recess? 

Lastly.  I sat at a diner and scribbled on a napkin. 
Thanks to technology you can now see what I wrote.

SicknessNapkin
on days like today
I explore everything
at a hound dog's pace
Sounds
Smells
the mind allows nothing to be
known.
(I know the staff at this
diner.  I know their politics.)
But now, ill, I keep my hat
on.  Feign Foreigness. And
Dispose myself to the great
mysteries of our time. 
why is the sugar dispenser
sticky.  Who thought to put
Mineral water on the table.
The pen releases controlled
Mess into the napkin.
While my nose runs free.

The Oogum Boogum Man

Oogum_boogumAnother Saturday night...

  • the expression "blogging a dead horse" appears 13,400 times on the internet according to google.
  • Brenton Wood is a truly expert soul singer from California whose website www.brentonwood.com offers some pretty amazing things:
  • *Limited Dedicated to You Autographed Lyrics                  $5.00

    (Get your favorite Brenton Wood song dedicated to you Lyric Sheet) 8 1/2 x 11 Bond Paper, Signed by the Oogum Boogum Man himself.

    Shipping/Handling Fee (for all orders)          $3.95

  • The album on the right deserves to be purchased rather than napstered because Brenton Wood clearly appears to be a bit hardup for cash.  5 dollars for an autograph?
  • I'm putting a picture of it here, in case you're too Oogum_boogum_two_3too lazy to have a look for yourself.

But seriously, why not spend five bucks to get the oogum boogum man's autograph.  You could frame it and when people ask who's autograph it is, you could flash a cryptic smile and say, Why it's the Oogum Boogum Man.  Who?  The Oogum Boogum man! 
Who's he?
He wrote also wrote the song Gimme Little Sign?
I don't think I've ever heard it.
Well, you have, it's just the words Gimme Little Sign are not actually in the song.  It goes...Just Gimme Some Kinda Sign girl, Oh My Baby!
To show me that you're mine girl! Oh yeah.
So why did they provide it a name that is not within the song? 
Because he figured that with the catchy moniker, The Oogum Boogum Man, he would have no trouble every being remembered. 
But he is.  And it looks like he may have done his website himself.  Also, if you go to the page you can see his wife or possibly his daughter modeling Oogum Boogum Man merchandise. 
Anyway.  That's not what I'm here to talk about but I just wanted to make you consider getting that album.  Also Barret Strong's greatest hits.  Which you probably have anyway unless you're a douchebag.

All in all, I'd describe the week as a push.  A push for those of you who don't gamble compulsively is when you have seventeen, and the dealer also has seventeen and the dealer pushes your money across the velvet table and back to you.  At which point you add a bunch of chips to your bet and the dealer deals you a thirteen against his visible jack.  So you know you're probably cooked.  But anyway.

Let's start with the positives.

I worked background on a movie.  With Mark Ruffalo, Joaquin Phoenix, Mira Sorvino and John Gielgud's femur.  I seriously was paid almost five hundred dollars to drive bumper cars for three hours.  It was excellent fun and I spent the day in Bristol Connecticut at an abandoned theme park.
The best moment was when I did permanent spinal damage to an eleven year old who was making fifty times my wage.  We all need something to believe in.

My play is four days away from its lone day of production.  So amazing to have a play that opens and then closes.  It seriously has the same life expectancy of a really lurid fart (plus or minus three hours).  The play is at the Wings Theatre in NYC in the West Village on Wednesday Night.  More likely than not you already know this because I've posted it everywhere.  I'm desperate for your attendance- the actors are very good. 

The bad stuff:
Yesterday I had to bounce a female bum from my hotel.  What do you call a female bum?  Hoe bo?  Bumbo? 

I dunno...

I want to give props to any of my friends who are presently having children or who have already gone on to have children.  I'm stunned by your optimism. 

Big ups to Ministers getting massages and meth and still arguing that they've done nothing wrong.  Plausible Deniability is an amazing thing.

I'm still here.  I assure you.