Distressing. It's absolutely distressing to me that you can now find this blog by googling my name. Because unlike diamonds, the internet is fucking forever. I went to a wedding weekend with my lovely (and beautiful) (also talented) girlfriend and her family. I was sick- the only way that I get sick these days- where your eyeballs feel like water balloons filled to the point of bursting with sand, and your throat is sore, and you feel like someone is doing Hitchcock style camera tricks with your perspective at all times. We were in church and I realized that someone is going to have to start putting together E-Funerals for people. Because the internet is more than likely going to be around for a long time after we're dead. (Unless people sign my petition to take the internet down so that we can finally get a little work done around here).
E-Funerals. Consider the prospect. This actually came off of the notion of do you have to remove your MySpace page if you die- what happens to the pages of dead myspacers? There must be a roster of them somewhere.
All of whom will have loved ones who will want internet funerals.
I'm not suggesting an actual service. I'm talking about a page. A series of pages. A spread of Flash Driven, Hypertexted, sensitively planned, video embedded... I'm talking about $1599.99. Less if you are recommended by one of our preferred funeral homes.
People- and I know you're out there- you want to work from home- you want to put your artistic integrity and well-above-average taste to work. Well this is our job of the future.
What we offer
- Four Gigagbytes of whatever best represents the departed. For example, if you lost your high school son who happened to be an excellent basketball player, we can put up every highlight of his entire career, based on your videos. Happy to do it for you. Now he's hitting jumpshots long after the entire NBA is composed of Greeks and Africans.
- Not one song. Every song s/he enjoyed in her entire life. His entire I-tunes playlist randomized for whenever someone logs in. If you want certain members of the bereaved greeted by certain songs, just give us their IP address.
Other people might give a one song photo montage, we will take every photo every taken of the deceased and create six different photo montages-
- the "Tender" A series of baby and childhood pictures done to Unforgettable by Nat King Cole
- The "Renegade" The departed young and angry photos, including bad hair cuts and bodily injuries which is done to Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf
- The "Spiritual" Pictures of the recently deceased outdoors, smiling strangely, or overexposed all of which is done to "What if God is One of Us" by Joan Osbourne.
- The "Gangsta" Photos which involve people of color or strongly urban themes all accompanied by Ice Cube's "Nothin' but a G Thang"
- (optional) The "Til Death Do Us Part" Photos of the beloved with their special someone. This is all accompanied by either "I can't Help Falling In Love with You" by Elvis or "I will Always Love You" by the Cure (Age appropriate).
- The "Braggin' Board" A series of photos that celebrate accomplishments or photos of the departed with celebrities accompanied by Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"
Of course that's not all. We have a sign in book which we will allow guests to sign in and leave testimonials for the bereaved which we guarantee to check ever week for vandalism. We also pledge that each week there will be at least one new signature in the book, even if it has to be staff generated so that you will know that your beloved has not been forgotten.
And of course we offer special services. Obviously these are more expensive.
Live web cam feeds from the grave site. For a one time fee of four hundred dollars and then fifty dollars a month after that we will create install a web cam at the foot of the grave that looks up directly at the marker and allows you a moment alone with the loved one. Where ever you are.
Admittedly expensive, but so much cheaper than travelling.
If you allow us fifteen minutes alone with the body at the wake, we can utilize our green screen technology and create all new adventures for the deceased. This is of course a subscription service- costing 200 dollars a month, but each month you will receive in your inbox an entirely new adventure featuring the peacefully resting deceased. Some favorites have included, "Tossed on the Ocean" or "My Trip to Egypt."
There are a couple of you reading this that are feeling me here. You know that though this all seems wrong, it gets at something that will undoubtedly be much much bigger than Eggo waffles. Eggo waffles began by someone simply saying- these freezers aren't going anywhere, we should create waffles that can utilize their properties of preservation. Same goes here. The internet is something we are now stuck with.
K8. Blake. You arty people with computer skills- let's do this. We could start with mine. We could create a really loving memory of me, an outstanding web page that allows me to mist up over my dead self, and then we begin to hunt up some business.
Now that is of course, the less than savory part of our business because really what we would be doing would be combing through the obits for college grads who died before they hit 38. That's our chief market. Cut off in their prime. Preferably without wives or children, because we want people who's parents really worry that they are going to go more or less unmourned in this world. This would be my job. You give me the product, I drum up the business, and in two years we sell the whole works and never work again in our lives.
Who's in?
This came in from superstar blogger k8 this morning:
Cc: 
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